These last few months have been tough... in many many ways. Cody was running out of work when Parker was in the hospital, and it hasn't seemed to pick up yet. The lovely people we had move into our basement to help us out has turned into nothing but a disaster. I feel like the crappiest mom in the world (who doesn't?). I don't however feel like Cody. He feels like he is not living up to his role as Dad. He has applied for jobs, but I feel like he is stuck in a rut and doesn't know how to get himself out there. My step dad likes to get on his case too, which seems to make Cody more stressed and frustrated than before. Luckily he got some part time work to get us through the rest of the month. A small sigh of relief in a mountain of stress.
Today is the day Cody's dad passed away. Has it really been four years? Sometimes when I think about him I still get angry. I have these 2 beautiful boys that he will never meet in this world. He has 3 amazing sons who all have hopes and dreams for their own lives and families, and they can't share it with him. Cody didn't say a word about his dad on fathers day and I wonder if he is maybe a little angry too. Or maybe it just hurts too much and he would rather avoid the subject. I woke up and cried this morning.... surprisingly.. I am usually too mad to cry. And despite me not knowing him very well, I still miss him and I wish he was here.
I thought about shoosh again today too. I wonder if she misses me or the kids... or even cares. Then I thought " Why should I care?" I didn't like being a disposable friend anyways.
So now, after my reflection and my mood swing I feel better. We may not have mountains of money, or own our own home, or have the perfect life. But we love our kids and each other. They have a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and clothes on their backs. We have a great group of friends who understand us and the everyday struggles we go through. So screw this bump in the road, I think I'll just coast right over it.
