Baby steps

I cannot get motivated! There is so much to clean and organize I don't even know where to start. After a day of cleaning and taking care of the kids, I don't want to go down there and clean a scummy bathroom covered in someone else pee. Yuck. Cody isn't much of a help when it comes to cleaning. He wont even do the dishes.. there is no way he is cleaning a bathroom. I don't even want to get my friends to help me. I feel terrible subjecting them to scum and disgustingness.

I think the most annoying part is I JUST did this. Well, it was 6 months ago. But seriously.. how much of a mess can people make in 6 months. It's gross. If my camera wasn't broken I would take pictures of it to prove how nasty it is. That poor carpet. I try and spend a little while down there everyday. Working in baby steps.



Speaking of baby steps, Parker is almost walking. He took a few steps last week and he takes a few more everyday. He finds it hilarious. He took 7 steps yesterday. He took four, stopped and stood for a few seconds and then ran the last 3 steps to Cody. I wish my camera was working. He is so darn cute with his toothy smile and crazy hair. And he always looks so proud of himself when he is walking. He has even started trying to stand up with nothing around him to hold on to. Jackson is very excited too. Now that Parker is more steady on his feet Jackson loves to hold his hands and help him cruise around the house. It terrifies me, but it makes them both happy. Parker also learned how to climb up on the couch. Jackson loves it and luckily he tells me every time Parker gets up there or we probably would have had some sever head trauma.



Despite how much I love summer, I am looking forward to it ending. We will be back on our feet and living comfortably, Jackson will be starting preschool and the sun will go down before bed time. But we have a lot to look forward to until then. BBQ's and birthday parties and hopefully some lazy summer evenings. A mom can dream :)

We're Free!!!!!!!

It is finally August!! Our basement dwellers are GONE!! They left a huge mess for me to clean up, but I don't even care(I expected it.. they were slobs)! We have our whole house back, for now. Nobody but our own kids wake us up in the morning. I can do laundry whenever I want. Nobody is cooking the most disgusting smelling food at random times of the day. Nobody is fighting loudly about half butts and other random stupid things. No obnoxiously loud music plays first thing in the morning. My kids and I can play in their own backyard and not feel awkward. I will have my storage room back for my things. I can talk on my deck without worrying about offending anyone. I can go on, I really really can. We are so excited to have our life back and not having to share it with another family. This was definitely a life lesson for us. No families. Single people living down there are fine. They have jobs and go out and leave me alone once in a while so I can do laundry.

I think this is going to be the best thing for us. A few months of enjoying the entire house to ourselves. Organizing our things. Getting prepared for another person living down there. The rent is expensive, but totally worth the freedom.

How quickly the time flies

Happy Birthday baby boy! I cannot understand where the time went. I am so proud of all of us. We survived the first year. I made it through a year of broken sleep, counting hours until the next feeding time, and countless medicine doses. Cody put up with me and my terrible mood swings, late night freak outs and missed sleep. Jackson learned how to be a big brother, to share his toys and share time with mom and dad.

I personally am a little bummed. I feel like I wished away this first year away so I could sleep again, which still isn't happening. When he was 4 months I could not wait until now, so I could sleep and he would be easier to deal with. But I would take it all back now if I could. I would go back to the first night and do it all over again, just to enjoy his newborn days. To not care about how tired I am and how much time and effort I have to put into dealing with MCAD. To watch him grow and not care that I am exhausted and need a shower and need to eat something. But I wont let that stop me from enjoying the rest his childhood has to offer.

I am my biggest critic

I thought I was a writer... when I was a kid I wrote short stories and I kept plenty of diaries. So I thought blogging would be easy. Turns out I am far too self critical. I have more drafts on this blog than I do posts. And half of the post I have up I want to delete because I think they are silly or unorganized or just plain pointless.
So I am my biggest critic and not a very good blogger.

Let the good times roll!

After weeks of panic and stress everything is finally falling into place. Cody got our dream job! Well... my dream job for him. Stability and a nice comfort net for us. I am so excited for the paid holidays and him being home just after 3:30 everyday. We are so excited for the first few pay days so we can get back on our feet, get caught up with the dreaded debt monster and prepare for the months he is laid off. I feel very prepared this time. I know what to expect, and we have learned to live off nothing. Because of that we know we can survive off anything.
Summer is off to an amazing start. This week is the polar opposite of last week. Cody landed the job, we went to 2 dinners with friends and had some great times. The kids loved it! Tomorrow we are going to yet another dinner, this time with our family. We have been going for long walks with the kids and our friend and his dog. Keeping busy. I cannot wait for July to be over. Even though Parker will be a year. I can't wait to have my space back, at least for a few months. We can't wait for the BBQs at our place in August. We will have the whole basement which will be used as the "rec-room" until we find someone else to live there and we "re-renovate". I can't wait to use my backyard as a play ground and not feel uncomfortable. I just can't wait. 29 more days.... 29 more days..... Just keep thinking positive!

These bumps are making me nauseous

These last few months have been tough... in many many ways. Cody was running out of work when Parker was in the hospital, and it hasn't seemed to pick up yet. The lovely people we had move into our basement to help us out has turned into nothing but a disaster. I feel like the crappiest mom in the world (who doesn't?). I don't however feel like Cody. He feels like he is not living up to his role as Dad. He has applied for jobs, but I feel like he is stuck in a rut and doesn't know how to get himself out there. My step dad likes to get on his case too, which seems to make Cody more stressed and frustrated than before. Luckily he got some part time work to get us through the rest of the month. A small sigh of relief in a mountain of stress.

Today is the day Cody's dad passed away. Has it really been four years? Sometimes when I think about him I still get angry. I have these 2 beautiful boys that he will never meet in this world. He has 3 amazing sons who all have hopes and dreams for their own lives and families, and they can't share it with him. Cody didn't say a word about his dad on fathers day and I wonder if he is maybe a little angry too. Or maybe it just hurts too much and he would rather avoid the subject. I woke up and cried this morning.... surprisingly.. I am usually too mad to cry. And despite me not knowing him very well, I still miss him and I wish he was here.

I thought about shoosh again today too. I wonder if she misses me or the kids... or even cares. Then I thought " Why should I care?" I didn't like being a disposable friend anyways.

So now, after my reflection and my mood swing I feel better. We may not have mountains of money, or own our own home, or have the perfect life. But we love our kids and each other. They have a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and clothes on their backs. We have a great group of friends who understand us and the everyday struggles we go through. So screw this bump in the road, I think I'll just coast right over it.

Where has the time gone?

Well, I have officially neglected this blog. I want to keep this post short and sweet. I will be posting more and kinda switching up this blog a bit.. but keeping the general idea. Me and my kids and our somewhat crazy lives... and a tid bit of ranting in there too.

A couple little things that have made us laugh our butts off recently.

Jackson killed a fly the other day... he said it had "peanut butter blood"

Jack had his friend Dom over a few days ago. They were in the front yard with Cody playing with "wood bugs" . Dom had 2 bugs and said to Jackson " This one is the good guy and this one is the bad guy"
Jack- "cool, can I kill the bad guy"
Dom- "ok"
Jackson takes out his plastic hammer and smashes a wood bug
Dom- " NOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo, that was the GOOD GUY!!"
Followed by 10 minutes of hysterical crying by Dom and Jack desperately searching for new wood bugs for Dom.

These 2 stories alone are making me think my son is a future serial killer .. LOL... just kidding... I hope..lol

Parker is changing more and more everyday. He is creeping along the furniture and making silly noises. He loves trying new foods and is a little piggy. Not much weight gain, but the kid is eating like a baby horse. He wants to chase after Jackson so bad and he seems so frustrated that he can't walk yet.. he is pushing himself big time!